The Chatsworth Estate is no Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids,
who I'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
Lip, a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which was handy for the others
when she disappeared into thin air.
And Carl - daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love it.
Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel. You should check your change,
but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
Plus little Liam. Gonna be a star some day.
Monica, the wife. She's back, with her bird in tow,
and we can't get shot of her.
And the neighbours, eh?
The neighbours. Well, what can you say?
Nothing, if you don'twant your arms breaking. Still, nobody's perfect.
But, all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life is
they know how to throw a party! Heh, heh!
Scatter!
Geniophobia means fear of chins. I mean, how mental is that?
There are enough people in the world scared of chins,
someone bothered to invent a word for it.
At least be scared of something rational, like, uh, kebab shops,
or that meat paste you used to have in your sandwiches for packed lunch.
Only thing I'm scared of is losing my Mon.
Monophobia, probably. And that's a big one.
Trouble is, fear can make you do irrational things.
Frank!
Huh? What the...?
Three little words.
Just three little words.
Pink Ladies jacket.
That's what you promised me!
December 1st, 1979 outside the ABC, and did I ever get one? No!
What the fuck you on about, Monica?
You've let me down me whole life!
That's all you've ever done! (SOBS)
You been snorting your HRT again?
Oh, that's right. Blame it on my hormones, just like you always do!
I mean, you know, pink jacket? What the fuck are you on about, Monica?
I'm half-awake here and you're, "Neh, neh, neh, neh!"
It makes you understand OJ fucking...
I don't feel wanted, Frank!
Oh, God! Give it a fucking rest!
You chose meinstead of Sheila...
I didn't choose you. I chose her.
Anyway, I'm still sleeping with Norma.
Yeah, good on you, bird.
You told him, then? I knew you would.
What do you think of that, then, Frank?
Not quite the king dick you thought you was, eh?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, shut up, Norma!
Why do you always have to be there every time I turn round?
Five, six, seven, ten.
Thank you, love. Come on, love. Bye.
Hey, this ain't right.
Thanks a lot, love.
Thank you.
Ian says you wanted some...
Shh. Follow me.
Have you got a job for me?
This way. Come on.
Come on, hurry up.
Where are you taking me, Yvonne?
PHONES RING
HUBBUB
What's all this about?
Call centre. Subcontracted it from Mumbai Telecom.
They can't keep the staff over there.
Who can blame 'em? Being shouted at all day by pig-thick customers
from over here who think they're God. No amount of money's worth that.
So what are you saying? The calls go via India
thenget re-routed back here?
Yeah. Nice little earner.
Got trouble with IT, though. These computers are shite.
I'll give you ten quid an hour if you sort 'em out for me.
How does it go again, Yvonne, with the phones?
For God's sake, Lilian. You answer the call.
You make out you're Indian, pretending to be English.
And every now and then, chuck summat in about the weather.
Or curry. Or whatever you've had for your lunch.
Something that sounds English.
Nadia'll show you what's wrong with the computers.
PHONE RINGS
(BAD INDIAN ACCENT) Hello? Yes.
I am being very happy to hear from you. Fish and chips.
It's a good job I'm only paying her Mumbai rates.
Excuse me. They won't let us put the data into them properly.
Right. Do you want to show me?
Right. Right, what I thought we'd do, Mon, was, um...
uh, we'd...go out, just you and me,
and talk.And eat...
What with, Frank?
Well...
What are you doing, Monica?
Have you seen this, Frank? Have you seen what Norma got me?
28 years I've waited for you to get me one of these,
and Norma goes and gets it for me just like that.
Well, give her a peanut!
Hey! Are you calling me a monkey?
The point I'm making, Frank, is that Norma puts herself out for me.
She buys me things.
If a fucking jacket's all it takes...
Oh, you just watch your mouth!
Oh, piss off, Shrek!
(MUFFLED) Fucking hell!
And that impresses you, does it?
That what you want?
What I want, Frank, is somebody who will fight for me,
and make me feel wanted.
OK. So...
Your name's Lip, isn't it?
Yeah.How do you know that?
I think I've just... Maybe I've seen you around.
I wish I could say the same.
How's it going?
Yeah. Sweet.
No sweat. Should be able to get this sorted.
Right.
See you later, then.
Do you think it'll take long to sort out?
Well...computers are...
prettytricky things.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Are you OK?
Yeah, course I am.
"Are you OK?" Course I'm OK!
Don't let her get to you.
She's only sleeping with Norma cos she buys her things.
But she's doing it for the money.
And Norma's got a wallet-full at the moment.
Back in the game, kid.
Back in the game.
DOG BARKS
BED CREAKS
DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
(GASPS)
What the hell are you doing, Frank?
I... Sorry, I thought I heard a noise.
Fuck off, you did! What you doing, creeping round...
What?
Rape.
What?
RAPE!
Ooh... What did you do that for?
It's all about bottle for you blokes, isn't it?
When the fuck will you learn that no means no?
Fuck you got a gun for?
For when I'm on the run. Bastard truckers try and jump us.
Someone's tried?
Shut up!
And...get your pants off.
Don't fuck me.
Oh, shut up. It's for...for forensics.
I'm taking you down the nick.
SIREN WAILS
God's sake! Liam, come back.
Come on, I'm bleeding to fucking death here.
Shut it, Frank.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Help! Open up!
SIRENS WAIL
Stand back. Let's have a bit of room.
Come on, let's have a little bit of room.
I'm saying me homework blew up.
This is the third one this week. It has gotta be a campaign.
It's just kids, they're bored and get the bangers out.
This is no way just kids, Stan.
Co-ordinated attacks. This could be serious.
No.
Right, we asked you to stay back.
We've got live explosives so, unless you want to lose a limb...
Karen, customers.
Who's in charge here?
I'm exhausted.
Kids and them fireworks. Haven't had a wink of sleep for nights.
That's no fireworks. Just been another one right outside yours.
What do you mean?
Police everywhere, sniffer dogs, the lot.
Oh my God! We're under attack!
What's all the ballyhoo?
Bomb's has gone off or something, somewhere near yours.
Christ!
Bit old for a midnight feast, aren't you?
Have you turfed any pans out?
I've lost something. >
Your marbles, by the looks of it.
No, it's just the thing I have lost, it's a wee bit important!
I've misplaced...
The thing I've misplaced...
My Semtex, I've lost my Semtex.
You've had Semtex in this house!
You promised never again, Paddy.
It took ages for my eyebrows to grow back after
that fertiliser went off in the airing cupboard.
The Semtex isn't mine.
Remember those two guys who came round with the salmon?
They're not my cousins.
Who are they?
I've got to do a job with them, crack a safe.
Payback for the old days.
I wouldn't have had it in the cupboard otherwise, would I?
What the hell am I supposed to do?!
There's another one gone off outside the bus station.
We're already on to it.
Stan's volunteered to help.
We're doing surveillance. Just off out now.
I have come to report an attempted rape.
Oh, well, Stan's your man.
I'd be useless, y'know, women's stuff, all that.
You'd better take this one, Stan.
I'll need a WPC though to take a statement. Carrie...
We'll see you later, so. I'll do your surveillance for you.
Good luck.
Are you gonna pay attention or what?
I am a vulnerable woman.
Mum, how do you spell emphysema?
What's that you've got?
Sick note.
Ask your father.
He's not here.
Or look in the dictionary.
But I don't know how you spell it.
Fucking hell.
Frank...?
You're a bit keen, aren't you? It's only eight.
I said I'd look at that laptop for Nadia.
Right.
Fuck off!
Fancy her, do ya?
I'm with Mandy, in case you hadn't noticed.
Yeah, but, y'know, gorgeous girl, what bloke wouldn't, eh?
Well, except you, obviously.
For Christ's sake, Lip, keep up!
Nadia's a bloke.
Naz! I thought you knew.
Fuck off!
Everybody else does. I thought the name would have given it away. D'you never watch Big Brother?
Oh, and you think that's funny, do ya? Why didn't you stop me?
Stop what?
Flirting with her...
It's disgusting.
You what?
You what, Lip?
You don't joke about stuff like that.
Should have fucking known.
Hiya, Lip.
Just stay away from me!
Outside, please! This is confidential police business.
Are we really allowed to bug people's phones?
How else are we gonna find out who's trying to blow this estate up?
You think they're gonna talk about it over the phone?
Ssh!
That's it coming.
'Am I speaking to an angling man?'
Oh, it's cousin Michael, is it?
Sorry about that, Michael. Bit of noise here.
What's that, Michael? Sorry, Michael.
'The water's calm tonight.'
Tonight?
'Bring your tackle.'
Right.
Shit! Fuck! Shit! Shit! Shitty shit! Shit! Shit!
Mickey, that stuff I gave you to get shot of - Semtex.
What have you done with it?
I buried it.
Listen, I want it back.
You said you didn't want it in the house again.
It's not your dad's.
It belongs to his cousins.
They need it tonight, so fucking un-bury it before
they bury your dad, all right?
Move, dickhead.
Debbie, love, have you seen your dad?
He ran off with the milkman.
He's never up this early and the Dormobile's not there either.
Maybe he ran off with Norma, the love they couldn't fight.
So he tried to rape you, but somehow you got his pants?
Men!
Women unite!
Reclaim the nights!
Hey, I know self-defence, me.
Wouldn't have to if you lot did your jobs properly. What the fuck?!
So, where is he then?
Well, I don't know. No-one's seen either of them
and I'm not happy about it.
Hiya.
I don't know. Nothing but dramas in this house.
What am I supposed to have done?
I was just angry, all right. Nadia.
Doesn't exactly fit the Trade Descriptions Act, does it?
"But it's disgusting!" Just because it's a bloke who fancies you?
No.
That's what you said, innit?
You're the only person in this place who I thought I understood.
Fuck's sake, Ian.
You just don't get it, do you?
I was the one who kept this a secret for you for all this time.
Yeah, I wonder why!
What?
OK, come on, let's go down the pub and telleveryone you're gay.
Is that what you want?
Piss off, they'd fucking kill me, you know they would. Fuck you, Lip!
Yeah, you want to.
What's going on?
What are you fighting for?
Get out, will you!
Serves you right for flirting with another girl then - sorry, boy.
How would you like it if another girl came on to you?
Wouldn't bother me. Anyway, I've snogged loads of girls.
Oh, come on.
Quickest way to turn a lad on is pretending to be a lesbian. Or hadn't you noticed?
Anyway, you shag me up the arse.
Yeah, but that's different.
Is it?
You need to sort this out with Ian.
Well?
Look, Debs, there's some things you don't know, that you might...
I know you're gay, Ian.
It's obvious. >
You haven't exactly got girlfriends coming out of your ears, have you?
And you can dance. >
Does Carl know too?
He doesn't care, Ian, and neither do I.
Pity Lip don't feel the same.
It's funny, isn't it...
being...
cooped up here in this...
tiny space together.
It makes you feel kind of...
Bored, yeah, I know.
Why do you think I put in for a transfer?
A mate of mine in Nottingham gets riots twice a week.
The best we get is a tent.
Yes, and you say that, but look at us here!
Tapping the phone!
Listen!
WOMAN SPEAKS IN NATIVE TONGUE
Bingo!
SIRENS WAIL
That's it there. Let's bust 'em!
Stay back, sweetheart. You've done your bit.
Now leave it to the pros.
What?
This can't be right. It's Yvonne's shop.
Police!
SCREAMING
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Arresting a terrorist cell. Get your head down!
Calm down!
Don't know what you're doing with that, do you?
Dad's gonna fucking kill us, you know.
I'll open it for you, dickhead.
I buried it over there.
Over there!
Bastard.
(TV) And, despite the ongoing investigation, police are no closer
to catching the bombers.
In other news, local journalist and broadcaster Tariq Omar
received a special award for his interview with Osama Bin Laden.
How he gained access to Bin Laden, America's most wanted terrorist,
is a secret he refuses to divulge.
Bin Laden, who the White House say could be anywhere in the world,
hasn't been seen since he was spotted in the stands...
Right, so...
We can rule out the claim that you're the world's most wanted man.
Stan, come on!
But that leaves a much more serious complaint.
Ms Starkey alleges that you tried to rape her.
Have you seen her yourself?
In person?
Miss Starkey alleges that you broke into her van.
MY van! Not broken, the door was open.
In the early hours of the morning. What were you doing, Frank?
I was just...
If you didn't actually touch her...
No, I didn't.
Well, then...
Well, I mean, I did, but...
I only wanted to get my hands on her...on something that
she had that I wanted.
The, the... I mean, all right,
I did touch her, but just a little bit,
just here...
Norma Starkey is pressing charges of attempted rape,
so you'll be taken to court this afternoon to plead, pending a trial.
No means no, Frank. This is serious.
You could get ten years.
Oh! So, there you are(!)
I don't suppose it occurred to you that I'd been worried sick all day?!
There's something I need to tell you.
Frank... Frank...
He tried to rape me.
Don't be so ridiculous, Norma.
What a stupid thing to say.
No, no. It's true, right, Mon.
Last night, he... came into the van and he...
..he touched us.
You're not his type, Norm.
Anyway, why should he want to do that when he's got me?
Although he very nearly didn't the time you two have been gone.
I've been so hungry. I haven't been able to eat anything all day.
I've been that churned up.
But Mon, right, he...!
Norm, isn't it nice,
just you and me in the house...
Frank not here?
Ooh! Uh.
So you...you want me to get you some food then?
That'd be nice.
And you've got a proper kitchen to use, an'all.
I'll just finish watching my programme.
It's not here, Micky! >
It's not here!
It's not fucking there! What the fuck did you do with it?
Hello, there. What can I do for you?
They say I'm the stupid one!
You're hurting me!
Which organisation do you work for?
It's some kind of car insurance, I think. We don't really...
Which terror organisation?
Come again?
Who gives you your orders of where to bomb?
It's a fucking call-centre!
Where's my one phone call? >
You don't get another sentence out of me till my lawyer gets here.
Let's try again. You claim you're innocent, so explain
why you were on the phone today ordering deadly poison.
I never.
We've got you on tape!
Your voice. Your phone line.
Ordering ricin.
Oh, no. I know what that was.
It was all that talk about lunch made me hungry so I rang my friend
at Mumbai Telecom.
Before you serve the jalfrezi,
mix in a little bit of garam masala and fresh coriander.
Lovely.
And sprinkle a little bit on top.
I'll have to get some rice in.
If you'd like to go back to work...
You must be fucking joking!
Hey! There's a fine for that kind of language!
I know about unlawful arrest, police harassment and racial discrimination.
There's no need for anyone to get their...
Six-figure compensation for distress and loss of earnings?
I can have your balls on a plate.
Not if I get them first.
Stan, me old mate. Can I have a word?
Well?
Bored! Bored! Bored!
Roll on my transfer.
You made the fucking bombs?!
You don't want her to transfer!
And I hadn't logged the stuff,
so I looked up how to make them on the internet.
It's gone a little bit wrong...
You're telling me?!
Don't grass us up, Stan.
I wanted to give her a bit of excitement, you know?
If Yvonne makes the complaint, they'll find out it was me
and I'll lose me job!
And you'll be implicated, too.
And then we'll all be in the shit!
All right. But I want all your shifts with her for the next two months - days and nights.
You have fucking proper pickled my head.
Why have you had us digging if you knew Semtex weren't there?
I thought you'd grass me up.
Who to?
To mam and dad cos you're a spiteful bastard.
Dad's gonna fucking kill us, you know that.
Why? It was me who did it.
But I'll get the blamed, I always do! You know I will!
Sshhh!
Is that mum's hand cream?
No.
We can't leave here until we think of a plan.
All day in a court house cos...
Oh, look. It's the filthy pervert.
In your fucking dreams. I've had a restraining order slapped on me, haven't I?
Can't come within 50 feet of ya.
Then sod off!
Er... It's my house!
So fly! Fly, bird!
50 feet, back to the van.
Or further into the traffic, in Dusseldorf.
I can't be here with him! It's too traumatic.
I'm having flashbacks.
You know where I am if you want me.
What's she meant to have done?
I didn't know where you were, Frank. I've been worried.
Woke up all on my own.
Monica, she's accused me of trying to rape her.
I mean, I didn't do it. Of course I fucking didn't.
It's all a ruse to get me out of the way so she can... Innit?
And then there's the Old Bill doing the dance...and they believe her!
I'm serious, Monica! They're saying I could go to prison.
It always has to be about you, doesn't it?
She accused you of rape?
Yeah, I know.
What do you think you're doing, Norma?
Dad wouldn't have raped you.
You stay out of this, Debbie.
It's a police matter now.
You don't know what men are capable of when they unleash their...
Look, I know you're a bright kid, Debbie. But...
What happened to lesbianwomenfortruthandjustice.com?!
Why is the woman never believed?
He wasn't trying to rape you, Norma.
Wasn't he after your money?
Are you gonna file my complaint or...?
Certainly.
I just need to see your licence for the business.
My...?
Your licence? I take it you do have one.
And proof that you're paying the minimum wage and making NI staff contributions and paying tax.
I think it must be at the shop. I'll go and get it.
Tom? >
Super wants to see us.
Double whisky.
What's the matter with you?
Bastard bombers.
Just ruin it for the rest of us, don't they?
How am I supposed to get hold of any Semtex when nobody's shifting any?
How the hell should I know?!
Three.
No way. A quid 50.
1.80. Final offer.
2.50. And throw in his chain.
Oi! Prick!
Two quid. Take it or leave it.
2.20.
Nice doing business with you.
I've got more colours if you want them.
Ian. Come on, mate. Just let me buy you a drink.
Fine.
Venue of my choice.
Gay bar.
Sure. Wherever you want.
See you later then.
Hi. What can I get you?
That wasn't so bad.
We were only trying to catch 'em.
It's more than anyone else here was doing.
Yvonne didn't make a formal complaint and the bombers are still out there, we might still get them.
He's put me back on parking tickets.
I'm not allowed near actual people till I've learnt to control myself.
Two whole months!
And he turned my transfer down.
Those will be your shifts, but if you don't want to do it...
I'll do it.
Frank.
What? Fuckin' hell, stay away from me! I'm a mad fucking rapist!
You're only doing this to get a shot at Monica.
I'll tell you what, you're not gonna drive us apart
because we are like that.
Big love, in the eyes of God - can't touch us.
I'm gonna drop the charges.
If you piss off.
You what?
I want Monica back. You piss off and I'll get her.
You can come back once she's home with me.
Where am I gonna go that's gonna give me a fucking bar tab?
I'll give you a grand, but you go and don't tell Monica I asked you to.
That's the deal.
If you want it, I'll be waiting with the money tonight.
How much do you love her now, Frank?
Thank God you still had it.
Not a word to your dad or you're dead.
(TV) '..has increased cafe culture across the UK.'
I thought you had done another bunk.
I can't just sit around and wait for you all the time, Frank.
Dad, remember you have the work focus interview tomorrow.
Do you want me to come with you?
Yeah, thanks love.
Poor little Frank.
You're turning into my own big bad outlaw?
Do you want to tie me up?
Take me captive in the forest,
torment me with your bow and arrow?
♪ World, hold on
♪ Come on... ♪
Do you think you can handle it?
Yeah. Big deal. It's just a club.
Really?
DANCE MUSIC
What can I get you?
It's Ian. Do you remember from last week?
Sorry?
Couple of beers, please.
Do you want a free one?
Yeah, why not?
Usual terms, boys. Usual terms. Come on!
Oi!
Hey, what are you doing?! Ian?!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Listen, I know you're angry but
your sister, the mad one,
is she still sleeping with that twat from the construction site?
I'm not fucking asking her for anything.
I need the Semtex by tonight.
I've no-one left to ask.
You don't need her, you've got me.
Though God knows you don't deserve me after lying to me.
You didn't look properly, did you?
It was in by the Soda Stream.
I found it.
But that's not...
I...
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my darling! What would I do without you?
I'm sorry I lied. I swear I'll never do it again.
You better not!
Have you never lied to me?
Only about my age.
I was only 13 the first time we did it - I didn't want to put you off.
13?
Frank?
Where are you going?
Monic....
I...
It's this court case. It's killing me.
I can't put you through it or the kiddies.
I'm just going to be a burden to you.
So you were just going to go then, were you?
Into the night...
Go where?
All right, Debbie? What's going on?
Um, er, nothing...
Your father says he's leaving us without even saying goodbye.
No, no... No, no.
I'm.... She... It's...
Look, Debbie, it's Norma.
She wants to send me to prison and I can't, I just can't.
I'm a free spirit.
Prison would...
But you didn't do it.
Yeah, I know but...
Can't you tell Norma to drop the charges?
No, no. She's just...
It's not going to happen, is it? She's got me by the...
Let's see about that.
Monica!
Yeah, I knew you'd...
Monica?
Now, pumpkin. I've come to ask you to drop the charges against Frank.
Monica, he tried to rape me.
Norma, he's hasn't got it in him.
Besides which, he is the kids' dad and if he ever went to prison
I could never forgive you. Let alone do anything else.
So, do we have a deal?
Oh, what's that?
Is that money to buy the sunglasses and shoes to go with the jacket?
Oh, bless.
Love you, pumpkin.
Got a present for you.
What a bastard.
Are you looking for this?
Yeah, thanks. (LAUGHS)
How much do you love yourself?
You still reckon I've got a problem with gay men then?
Yeah. You can't get them off you.
He's a sound guy, actually. And he gave me his number.
Yeah!
Jammy bastard!
So how much do you think that's worth then?
Oh, piss off!
Yeah! Come on!
Syngenesophobia. Fear of relatives, Only Monica's, though.
Bastards, the lot of them.
Well, except Carl maybe.
He's all right.
Can you keep the noise down?
Little Liam is quite sweet.
Fuck off!
Pricks! Except when he's putting dead mice up your exhaust.
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